three-man chorus drunken gospel

by Caitlin Gill, Earl Kim and Theresa Stefaniak

Nelson Mandela don't give me hugs
Nelson Mandela don't give me hugs
Nelson Mandela don't give me hugs
don't give no hugs to me, don't give no hugs to me

Gandhi don't cut me no kiwi fruit
Gandhi don't cut me no kiwi fruit
Gandhi don't cut me no kiwi fruit
don't cut no fruit for me, don't cut no fruit for me

Mother Teresa don't buy me drugs
Mama Teresa don't buy me no drugs
Mama Teresa don't buy me drugs
ain't got no weed for me, ain't got no weed for me

Martin Luther King don't cut me slack
Martin Luther King don't cut me slack
Martin Luther King don't cut me slack
don't cut no slack for me, don't cut no slack for me

The Little Red Devil he's got my back
The Little Red Devil he's got my back
The Little Red Devil he's got my back
he's got my back for free, he done got my back for free

on the floor drunken version of Daisy, Daisy

by Raeanne Scargall as remembered by Theresa Stefaniak

baby baby
how does your mother do?
mommy loves you all with your eyes a glow
you're such an amazing rabbit
the choo choo train dagnabbit
and there is a man who lives in a van down by the river . . .

portugal: a ghost story

spoken and transcripted from tape recorder by Theresa Stefaniak

it was the gum wrappers in my pocket biting me with their little goddamn gum wrapper teeth and the bird wings on my back were starting to molt this toothpaste goop that was a bit thicker than cum and then I woke up and I was in Portugal and I had fallen asleep on a cot in janitor's closet of an unknown university because Velma Dinkley all over the place only I don't wear glasses.

the mirror above the bed was actually a painting called Dog Taking a Shit even though it was a portrait of a 17th fishing boat with a mermaid in the corner, but she wasn't what I would really call a mermaid because she had a fish head and a human torso and kind of seahorse tail which makes me think that the males would have to carry a baby and the vagina is basically in its stomach.

then I remember it was Carlos with the hair lip and that had something to do with the velvety red sheets that made me more sweaty than anything and my pajamas were soaked with something.

an octopus was seated at the foot of the bed. it was smoking a bubble pipe and reading a book. it's tiny little beak was chattering at me and it said in that bond villain voice (what's his name the one that looks like Dr. Evil with the scar down his face only he looks different in every movie really and I can't remember which one he's in, definitely the one with George Lazenby where Bond gets married because he totally kills his wife, something somethingfeld. Blowfeld. Hans Blowfeld) in a Hans Blowfeld Bond Villain voice, he said, "What brings you to Portugal?"

and I say, "Carlos"

and he says "with the hair lip"

and I say "yea."

and he says excellent and disappears like a television reception like going fuzzy first.

oh, there was a gorilla involved, yea. that's what killed me.

that's right, I was a ghost the whole time.

fuck you, that's a great ending.